These days, I cannot help but wallow in self-pity whenever I have time alone to think. My friends have been helping me cope with the recent unpromising happenings in my love life, and they keep pointing out what is wrong with me. Left alone to reflect, my usual monologue goes something like, “I don’t think I’m unattractive, or dumb, or poor. I’ve become a better person since the past year, and has since dropped my attitude. What’s wrong with me?”
I always find it challenging to like people back. But when I do, I seem to have a knack for choosing the wrong, if not the worst, people to go after. A close friend told me that that is exactly what’s wrong with me. “You don’t chase after guys. You let them chase you.” Well, I’m sorry if I’m straightforward when it comes to love. The thing is, I don’t have the time or patience to play this game. I don’t see the necessity of the chase. If I like you, I like you– end of story. If I don’t like you, you’ll know– I most certainly won’t reply back to any of your messages. I don’t have time for pretenses, and I like giving it all I’ve got or none at all.
And maybe that’s why I always end up getting hurt. I fall in love madly with people, people who are unfortunately underqualified or disqualified. :)) People I would choose to do everything for, even though they are not as willing to do the same for me. Some people think this is because I’m nice. Some prefer to believe that I’m foolish when it comes to love. I am inclined to believe the latter.
Love to me always meant pursuing something with reckless abandon. But my past and recent heartbreaks have taught me I shouldn’t settle for and with people who are not willing to give me their best. And even if I would totally not mind compromising and lowering my standards for people, it bothers me that they think not putting their all in a relationship is acceptable. Maybe because until now, I’ve always tolerated that kind of behavior without regard if it will eventually break my heart.
So there. I’ve decided to do away with things and relationships that do not serve me anymore. I know I deserve better. I need someone who I would want to move mountains for, who will (without a second thought) do the same for me. Anything less than that is not worth my time and tears. I just don’t need all this hurt, not right now and not at any point in the future. This is me loving myself and knowing I’m worth more than just half of anyone’s love– I’m worth every ounce of love you didn’t even know you had in you. Don’t you dare forget that.-HANA