Clarity Comes at a Price

I’ve recently discovered a state of clarity that I’ve been in search of for years. It was only when I hit rock bottom that it came to me, and I’ve been hitting hard since two, three weeks ago. I have been dealing with it since.

This weekend, I had to miss our company’s outing/sportsfest because, like I told my boss, I wanted to sleep in. It was the truth. I’ve been feeling exhausted for weeks now, not because of work, but because it’s taking all of my strength to show up at work and be okay. It’s taking every ounce of effort to keep myself from crying, especially at work. It’s the one place I have to keep myself together. At home, I’m an emotional wreck behind closed doors. I want to sleep more so that I could stop myself from overthinking. At least when I’m asleep, I am safe from myself.

Some days, I wish I could just wake up from all of this, from all the things I did wrong, and return to the perfect life I had. I wish for it so hard, that I convince myself at times that it’s going to come true. One day, I’ll wake up and everything will be just like I wanted it to be. But then I understand that I am relying on this delusion just to keep myself from spiraling further. I know it’s not ever going to happen, but I still.. argh.

So I have to forgive myself for failing and for doing stupid things in the past. Everyone has moved on with their lives except for me. I am still trying to claw open a closed door. I am still trying to smack some sense into myself that that ship has sailed. I can live my life full of regrets from past mistakes, or learn from it and pray that the best is yet to come.

If there’s one good thing that resulted from all this emotional chaos, I had an epiphany of sorts: I’ve finally learned to hate dating and more importantly, I’ve found out what kind of love I was looking for.

I found that the love I am looking for is from someone who I’d be able to share the same fascination for most things, such as interests, values, and a sense of humor.

Someone who can make me laugh without even saying anything.

Someone who’s generous and kind, and would think I’m gorgeous even on my worst days.

Someone who looked at me like I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Someone who I’ll be able to let in and still choose never to hurt me.

Someone who’ll effortlessly motivate me to become a better version of myself.

Someone who can see his future with me. And who’d build his life around it.

Someone who can live with me and at the same time NOT live without me.

Technically, he can, but he’d rather not.

And finally, someone who will love me for the kind of person that I am.

I might have been impressionable in the past, but now I’m broken and jaded and cynical. Deep inside, I hope I never find someone I love, in fear that I might get hurt again. And at the same time, I cling on to hope, that somewhere out there, the person who’d be able to make me put back all my broken pieces together exists. Until then, I’ll be in love with my own happiness.-HANA

PS: TVD Season 5 Finale made me cry my eyes out. BRB UGLY CRYING. Plec, you better bring back my Damon in Season 6. Or else, #We’reComingForYou.

This goes out to you, Julie Plec.

2 comments to Clarity Comes at a Price

  • Elsie  says:

    Oh! I hope someday you’ll find love.Never stop loving.

    • dollhana  says:

      Thanks for leaving a comment, Elsie. =) Oh, but love is hard to find. I’m focusing on making myself better from now on. I do like seeing people in love, though. It’s like they have conquered a challenge I have yet to win at. I hope your life is full of love, Elsie!

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